Pain Doesn't Hurt When Its All You've Ever Felt
by ladybellatrix
Summary: Cameroncentric, set in a slightly AU where she and chase never slept together, WARNING: mentions self harm in depth
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing unfortunately :(**

Allison Cameron was a self harmer. She had been since she was twelve. And it was something she had always gone to considerable lengths to hide. Particularly when she joined House's team. His talent for observation meant she had to be even more careful; she could not give away even one subtle clue that she might be a self harmer. And for the first year she had succeeded, no – one, not even House had suspected that there might have been something beneath her lab coat and conservative outfits. But one day she was going to slip up and the one person she did not want to know about her secret shame would find out.

It had happened like this: they'd had a patient with various symptoms that did not make sense and, as usual, it had taken them a few days to diagnose him. This was not what bothered her. What bothered her was the uncanny resemblance he had to her late husband, even down to the way he scrunched his nose up when he was reading something. She kept up the facade that she was coping, that it did not bother her and that he was simply another patient, to the point of fooling even House but once the patient had been diagnosed she went home and went straight to her bedroom, pulling out her box of blades. Sighing resignedly she went to the bathroom and undressed, until she was wearing nothing but her bra and panties. She looked down at herself and her body, her stomach, thighs and hips were a mass of scars, the evidence of over a decade's worth of self harm. She sat on the edge of the bathtub and picked up a fresh blade, inspecting it before pressing it into her stomach and dragging it over the flesh, smiling contentedly as the blood began to flow down her skin. She continued like this, but it wasn't until she started cutting her thighs did she make a big mistake. She always used a bigger blade on her thighs and as she was pressing the blade deep into her skin her phone rang, startling her, causing her to drag the blade upward far too quickly, a massive gash appearing on her leg. She remained calm and simply stared at the wound, dropping the blade on the floor as she watched the blood with interest as it ran down her thigh, over her knee and began to drip on the floor. Soon though her doctor instincts kicked in and she knew the cut needed stitches. She washed her hands and stitched her leg back together, doing all of this with a strange sense of calm, her mind barely registering the pain from her cuts. She bandaged her leg up and went to bed, a small smile on her face.

When she woke up the next morning the first thing she felt was the sting and pain of the previous nights self harming session and she breathed softly, the pain making her forget about the last patient who could have been her late husband's doppelganger. Unfortunately for Cameron, because she had been self harming for so long, the only effect it had was to temporarily relieve her of the pain of the most recent events – there were some pains that self harming could not ease.  
She unwrapped the bandage and studied the stitches, fairly proud of her good work before she stood under the shower, the hot water causing every fresh cut to tingle and throb and she felt almost euphoric - that is, until she ran shower gel over the new cuts, the sting causing her eyes to water and for her to hiss in discomfort. She stepped out of the shower and gently dried herself, bandaging her leg once again to prevent infection however, it wasn't until she was leaving did she realise the deep gash in her thigh had caused her to have the slightest of limps. It was not something a regular person would notice but something which House definitely would. She had to come up with a decent excuse and fast. _I pulled a muscle, overdid it on the treadmill. _She smiled, yes, that was a legitimate excuse, something which even House could buy. She left and went to work, aware of how much her clothes rubbing against her new cuts hurt.

As usual she was the first in and she went about making the coffee and sorting through House's mail. Foreman and Chase arrived soon after and they smiled at her, getting their coffees before settling down to their usual routine – Chase doing his crossword and Foreman reading a neurology journal. House eventually arrived brandishing a case file "we have a case" he stated. Cameron stood and got him his coffee and he cocked his head, watching her. As she handed the cup to him he asks her "why are you limping? I wasn't aware limping was in fashion now." He leant on his cane, watching her reaction. Her face remained emotionless as she replied "oh yes House, limping is so in Vogue right now, have you not seen the supermodels limping down the catwalk?" House smirked as she went and sat back down, watching her movements with interest. "You haven't answered my question" he stated as he sipped his coffee. Cameron did not look up from the case file as she replied "I pulled a muscle running on my treadmill. Nothing to write home about. Can we get back to the patient?" House raised his eyebrows slightly but said nothing, instead he limped over to the whiteboard and started listing the symptoms. House eventually sent Chase off to draw blood, Foreman to do an MRI and Cameron to take the patient's history. However, before he sent Cameron off he called her into his office and as he sat down at his desk he winced, his hand automatically going to his leg. "House? Are you alright? Is your leg bad?" Cameron's gentle and caring nature came through in abundance as she moved towards him, her love for him almost suffocating her. House gave a slight nod "no more than usual, but I do not want to talk about me," he said as he popped two Vicodin, "I want to talk about you." Cameron's insides went cold but somehow she managed to keep her face expressionless. "Have I done something wrong?"  
House lifted his leg to rest it on the desk as he studied her carefully. "Why would you think that?"  
"Why else would you want to talk to me?"  
House smirked, picking up his tennis ball and passing it backwards and forwards between his hands as he replied "you're lying to me Cameron."  
Cameron raised an eyebrow, trying to remain calm as she replied "about what?"  
"Pulling a muscle. You are not walking with a limp because of a pulled muscle."  
Cameron glared at him "oh really? Tell me then House, why do you think I'm limping?"  
He regarded her coolly for a second before replying "because you are trying to empathise with me. You want to try and understand me and you feel that in order to do so you must 'cripple' yourself, albeit temporarily. Not that I'm not flattered or anything Cameron..." He trailed off as he saw the look on her face – it was one of pure and unadulterated hatred. She kept exceedingly calm as she replied "you are unbelievable! How could you possibly be so self – centered to think that...to think that I would...Do not flatter yourself House. I told you the truth. Do not try and see a small injury for something that it isn't. Now, if you are quite done with your desperate attempt to boost your ego, I have a patient history to take." And with that she turned on her heels and left, grabbing her bag from the conference room as she did, leaving a slightly stunned House watch her go.  
Instead of going to see the patient Cameron took a detour to the ladies bathroom. She sat in one of the stalls trying to work out how she could still love a man who came out with insensitive statements like that. She pushed her pants down and pulled out a small blade she kept in her purse, making a few small cuts around the bandage. She sighed as she let the pain take over, then dabbed the small trickles of blood away. She stood and left the ladies room and set off to take the patient's history.

House's words still rang in her head as she sat at home and in a desperate attempt to stop them she went to the bathroom and made some more cuts on her thighs and hips, revelling in the pain. She was halfway through cleaning the blood off her legs when there was a knock at the door. She froze, knowing that knock. It was House. _What the hell is he doing here? _She thought as she made her way to the door, not bothering to clean up the bathroom. "What do you want House?" she asked bluntly as she opened the door. A look of surprise crossed his face upon hearing the tone in her voice. "Hello to you too Cameron. May I come in?" She stared at him, her heart in her throat as she looked at the man she loved, before finally relenting and opening the door all the way to let him in. He limped slowly into her apartment, closing the door behind him. She folded her arms and looked at him coldly "why are you here?" House looked at the floor, at the pictures on the walls, at her sofa, in fact he looked anywhere but at her. He swallowed his pride and mumbled "I came to apologise...for earlier...I...I'm sorry." Cameron stared at him, not quite believing what she was hearing. "May I use your bathroom?" He asked suddenly, startling her out of her reverie. "S-sorry? What did you say?" He smirked slightly as he repeated the question. Cameron began to panic, wishing she had cleaned up. "My bathroom is a complete mess. Could you give me a moment?" He nodded as she rushed to the bathroom, picking up her tools of self destruction and shoving them back in their box, trying to find a hiding place for them, before shoving the box behind the toilet. She emerged to find House relaxing on her couch "it's all yours" she gestured to the bathroom. She watched as House painfully eased himself off the sofa, her stomach doing somersaults. He glanced at her and she tried to hide the longing in her eyes.  
After House had been in the bathroom for over twenty minutes Cameron started to become worried and she was just debating whether to knock on the door and ask if he was alright when he emerged, carrying her box of self destruction, the look on his face difficult to read. Cameron said nothing as he limped slowly towards her, and as he got closer she could see his eyes were blazing with fury. He set the box down on the table and removed the lid, revealing the various sharp implements inside. His voice was calm as he said "what is the meaning of this?" Cameron could tell he was desperately trying to keep calm and not shout at her. Cameron looked at him, her aqua coloured eyes full of pain before she turned her back on him as she replied "you had no right...you had no right...how dare you?"  
House reached out to touch her shoulder and as he did she visibly flinched and screamed "don't touch me! Just get out House! Get out!"  
House debated staying before turning and limping out of the door, a trembling Cameron watching him leave. As soon as he shut the door she grabbed the box and ran to the bathroom, not bothering to shut the door as she pulled out the biggest blade, pushing her pants down as she slashed her thighs repeatedly, no tears falling as she did so. She felt nothing, but the thoughts swirled in her head as she kept cutting _how could I have been so stupid? I knew I should have cleaned up, should have found a better hiding place, should never have let him in. I can't stand loving him. _She cut harder and deeper as she tried to suppress the feelings she had for him. The blood was beginning to pool at her feet and she started to feel light headed but she couldn't stop, she was too far gone.

House stood outside her door, knowing exactly what she was going to do. He was torn between walking away and breaking in. He quickly swallowed two Vicodin before deciding on the latter. He looked around, trying to guess where she would put the spare key, his blue eyes settling on a plant next to the door. She wouldn't put in underneath, that would be too obvious, so he stuck his hand straight in the dirt and rummaged around until he found the key. Unlocking the door he entered her apartment again to be greeted with silence. There was no sound. Cameron was not crying which he thought was unusual as he headed down the hall to the bathroom and what he saw shocked even him. The beautiful Allison Cameron, _his _beautiful Allison Cameron, was passed out on the floor in a pool of blood. He quickly washed his hands before kneeling on the floor next to her, his leg protesting angrily as he did but he ignored it. He reached out and stroked her cheek gently, before looking down at the mess before him. After looking at her various injuries he pushed himself to his feet, barely able to stand from the pain and he gave an involuntary whimper of pain, and he collapsed onto the edge of the bathtub. House's whimper seemed to awaken something in Cameron and her eyes flickered open. "H-House?" She said weakly, trying to push herself into a sitting position, her head swimming as she did so. "H-House? Is...Is it...your leg again?" Her head swam again and she forced herself not to pass out. She reached a shaking hand into his pocket and pulled out his Vicodin, handing it to him before sinking back down onto the floor again. She looked up at him as she felt the tiredness take over her body. "House..." she whispered. "House...I...love...you." She closed her eyes as the tiredness took over her body completely and she smiled as she felt herself slip away, free from the pain of living at long last.

**Read, review, let me know if you want a sequel!**


	2. Chapter 2

Allison slowly blinked her eyes open, aware of a beeping sound next to her and a dull pain she couldn't quite pinpoint. She blinks again and slowly looks around. She is in hospital. She feels a slight pressure on her hand and looks down, surprised to see that the pressure was caused by House's hand holding onto hers. She smiles weakly as she looks at him. He is asleep. She then frowns at the realisation that him sleeping in the uncomfortable hospital chair must be hurting his leg. She gently pulls her hand out from under his and reaches over to stroke his hair. "I love you House," she murmurs before drifting back into unconsciousness. When she woke again House was pacing the room, his limp far more pronounced than usual, a look of worry on his face. She quietly takes in his appearance – he does not appear to have shaved in at least 2 days, his face was pale and from what she could see he had dark bags under his eyes. She closed her eyes and a tear trickled down her face as she realised she was the source of his pain. She opened her eyes again to see him ease himself into the chair next to her bed, wincing as he did. As he sat rubbing his thigh she wondered whether she should let him know she was awake. _No, I'll wait until he leaves, then I'll 'wake up'. I feel so guilty. I don't want to face his questions. _She thought as she closed her eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep. She dreamt about House.

"_Allison, please forgive me, I'm sorry I never noticed how much pain you were in. I should have seen the signs. I should have known..." House was on his knees in front of her, begging for her forgiveness. "It's OK Greg, you couldn't possibly have known, it is a secret I have kept hidden for years."  
"Why did you not tell me?"  
"Because you would have mocked me for being weak. For not having a more healthy outlet."  
He shakes his head vehemently, pleading with her "I wouldn't...I would never..."  
"Yes, you would. You could never understand..."  
The man that looked like House began to change, becoming instead the man that had haunted her dreams for many years, the man she thought she had escaped. "Hello Allie," the man grinned menacingly at her "shall we play a game?"_

Cameron woke up screaming, tears streaming down her face. All she saw was a pair of male hands try to calm her down and she started screaming even harder, forcing him off her, eventually pushing him so hard he staggered backwards, lost his footing and landed on the floor. She couldn't stop screaming as images of _him _flashed through her mind. The last thing she remembers before the sedative she had been given took effect was a gentle voice saying softly "oh, Allison."


	3. Chapter 3

When she woke again she looked over to see House watching her intently, his clear blue eyes gazing at her, and as she looked into them all she saw was...concern? Fear? No, House never showed such emotions. "House...what...you...doing...here?" she croaked weakly. House said nothing, instead he dry swallowed two Vicodin, before standing and giving her a drink of water. She gives him a weak smile "thank you," she murmurs. She knows he wants to know about why she cuts, but she can't find the words. She rolls onto her side, wincing as she does, the cuts on her legs hurting her. She feels House touch her shoulder gently but she shrugs him off "Allison..." he says gently. "Not now House," she replies through gritted teeth. He nods and sits back down "you are being discharged tomorrow. You will be coming to stay with me for a short while." She says nothing as silent tears of shame trickle down her face.

The day of her discharge arrives far too soon for Cameron's liking and as she sits in House's car on the way back to his, the knowledge that she will eventually have to tell him why becomes too much and she bites her lip, suppressing the urge to cry. They arrive at House's apartment and he helps her out of the car. He goes to wrap his free arm around her waist to help her but she moves away, "I don't need your help House! Unlike you I can walk!" She regrets the words as soon as they are out of her mouth, and she doesn't need to look at him to know she has hurt him. "I'm sorry House, I should not have said that. Maybe...maybe this isn't such a good idea..."  
"You are not staying on your own." The tone of his voice suggested that was the end of the conversation. They go to House's apartment, Cameron wincing every time she took a step, the cuts on her legs hurting. However, the pain was taking away the pain she felt inside and so she felt a little better. They went inside and House took her coat telling her "go and sit down. Don't worry about your stuff, it's already here." She nodded and sunk into House's leather sofa. He soon came and sat next to her, but he didn't look at her, he merely said "your bandages need changing daily. Do I have your permission to do it or do you want me to call a nurse to do it?"  
"I'm a doctor as well..." she began but House cut her off "NO. Now, which is it to be, me or a nurse?"  
"You," she replies quietly, hanging her head slightly, her lank hair hiding her face. She doesn't look at him as she asks him quietly "can I take a shower please?" He thinks about it before telling her "yes, your dressings need changing anyway. We can do it after you shower."  
"Thank you," she mutters as she heads towards the bathroom, House limping along slowly behind her. She stops and turns, looking at him, but not quite meeting his eyes "why are you following me? I'm not going to run away."  
He smirks and tells her "I've always wanted to have sex in a shower, shame about my bum leg."  
She smiles and heads towards the shower, aware that House is still following her. She stops but doesn't turn around this time as she says in a voice that is filled with shame "I'm not going to do anything."  
"I'm sorry Cameron, I can't take that risk. You are under my care. I can't trust you not to do anything."  
"And if I promise I won't?"  
"Everybody lies. Come on, you stink."

As Cameron undresses she becomes aware of House's eyes on her and she suddenly becomes very self conscious of her cuts and scars, and she feels a rush of empathy for House and his scar. She closes her eyes as he unwraps the bandages from her thighs and gently removes the dressings. "I'm staying here, I can't take any chances." House informs her as she climbs into the shower, sadly noting the grab rail House had installed. She washes quickly, the hot water stinging her cuts, as she secretly wished House would leave so she could curl up in the corner of the shower and cry. Instead she let the tears run down her face and be washed away with the water down the drain. She turned the shower off and stepped out, to be greeted by House holding a towel open for her. She smiles softly, allowing him to wrap it around her, and without thinking she leans against him, breathing in his scent. House smiled slightly before pulling away "I need to do your dressings." She nods and sits down, drying her legs. He begins to dress and re – bandage her wounds, and when she noticed how close he was getting to her lady parts she started to become agitated. "Stop, House, please," she pleaded. He didn't seem to hear the urgency in her voice and he carried on, saying gently "I'm almost done, I know it hurts." She pushes him away and screams "it does hurt! More than you could know! So just stop! What did I do to deserve this?" She ran from the bathroom, completely naked, leaving a stunned House to sit and wonder what the hell just happened.

**A/N – next chapter we will find out what happened to Cameron, plus House's reaction. Reviews make me REALLY happy **


	4. Chapter 4

**EXTREME WARNING FOR THIS CHAPTER: mentions self harm in detail as well as sexual child abuse, so if you are uncomfortable with either subject please do not read on. For those of you that do I hope I have approached the subject in a delicate and tasteful way and for those of you who think I haven't please PM and let me know.**

She goes to the kitchen and starts rifling through the drawers to find something sharp. She soon finds what she is looking for and she smiles triumphantly before moving to the corner of the room, sliding down the wall as she holds the blade in her hand. House finds her in the corner of his kitchen, and as soon as he sees the blade he moves as quickly as his leg would let him. He slowly crouches down in front of her, not paying attention to the searing pain in his thigh as he says gently "Allison...please...you don't have to do this...there are other ways..."  
Cameron looks at him and the look in her eyes startles him a bit, her usually warm and compassionate hazel eyes are filled with pain and hatred and she glares at him "other ways of dealing with pain? That's rich coming from you who drowns in Vicodin and alcohol." Her words hurt him more than she would ever know but he remains calm as he reaches for the blade "please Allison, trust me." He is pleading with her now. She doesn't care, all she cares about is stopping the pain she was feeling. She brandishes the blade and as she does she catches his arm, cutting him slightly. Both of them are stunned and as she sees the blood trickle down his arm she drops the blade like it was red hot and she buries her face in her hands. House quickly picks up the blade and moves it out of her reach, making a note to himself to hide all sharp implements later. "Allison," he says gently as he reaches out to pull her hands away from her face. She lets him and as soon as she looks into his crystal blue eyes she starts to sob "oh House, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You were never supposed to find out, b – but I dreamt of him a – and now I...I..." she curls her small frame against him as she cries. When her wracking sobs become nothing more than little whimpers House says to her "do you think we could move this somewhere a little more comfortable?"  
She smiles weakly and nods, her body trembling as she stands. She looks down at House and whispers tentatively "do you...need some help?" From staying in the one position for so long House's thigh had seized and he knew he could not get up without assistance so swallowing his pride he gave her a small nod. He quickly swallows two Vicodin and she takes his free hand, gently helping him to his feet. He stands against the table, breathing hard, resisting the urge to take more painkillers even though his thigh was crying out for morphine. He doesn't look at her as he mumbles "can you help me to the couch please?" Seeing how much pain the man she loved was in made Cameron completely forget about her own problems as she helped him to the couch, tenderly putting a cushion under his bad leg. When she is sure he is comfortable she mumbles "I'm just going to get dressed and finish off the bandages. I won't do anything..." she trails off as she heads back to the bathroom. House watched her disappear and tried to ignore the worry and concern and other emotions he was feeling at that moment, Cameron was nothing more than a colleague. She came wandering back into the living room wearing jogging bottoms and a tank top, her hair scraped off her face and House thought she never looked more beautiful. _What the hell is wrong with me? She's just been through a really traumatic experience and here I am essentially perving over her. Stop it! _House thinks to himself as Cameron sits next to him, wincing slightly. She sighs sadly as she says "I know you want to know what happened to me. You want to know about my scars. Please understand this is not easy for me to talk about and I politely request you do not ask me questions." She glances over to him and he nods, popping more Vicodin, his crystal blue eyes betraying nothing. She takes a deep breath and begins to tell him what happened.

"I started self harming when I was twelve. How it happened was unintentional. I accidentally gave myself a paper cut, a fairly deep one, and as I watched the blood run down my hand, as well as feeling the stinging throb of the cut I felt better. I'd been going through a rough time and for a while that one little cut took the pain away. But soon the cut healed. And the pain came back. I started small, just a few little cuts on my hips that could easily be hidden by my panties, but soon that wasn't enough. The worse the pain I was feeling inside, the worse the cuts got. I did stop for a while, but when my husband died it was all I could do not to take the blade to my wrists and end it all. There are some pains though, that no amount of cutting is going to help. I don't expect you to understand and I'm fully aware of the fact it's not exactly the best way to deal with my problems..." she trails off, looking anywhere in the room but at him. House frowned slightly "Cameron...you have explained about your self – harm, which I know must have been hard for you. What you have yet to explain is what caused you to start in the first place." Cameron visibly stiffened and she shook her head "it's nothing. It was nothing."  
House raised an eyebrow as he replies "nothing? Who are you trying to kid? There must have been something else to cause all that pain in you. So what was it? Abusive daddy? Alcoholic mummy?"  
She sighed heavily, knowing he wouldn't stop until she told him, so with a trembling but emotionless voice she tells him "by...by the time I was 10 I had done things most girls don't do until they are at least teenagers. He was my cousin and he lived a couple of doors down from us, so it wasn't unusual for him to pop in at random times of the day. What was unusual was the fact that he spent more and more time with me in my bedroom until one day he closed the door and locked it, before he started touching me. I was four years old at the time. I freaked out earlier when you told me you were almost done with my bandages because that is what he used to say to me when he had his fingers up my anus." Her face is completely devoid of any emotion at this point, and she can't bring herself to look at House, she does not want to see pity in his eyes, she wouldn't be able to bear it.  
House swallowed a sob, and instead felt the anger rise up inside him, and all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around Cameron and hold her, keep her safe, but he somehow knew the gesture would not be appreciated. He simply mumbled "I'm so sorry Cameron." She gave him a slight nod and he knew she would not say another word on the matter. The fact she had told him that much made him feel privileged and no words were said between the two of them as Cameron knew he would take that information to the grave.

**A/N : reviews make me happy **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N – WARNING, this chapter mentions self harm  
I still don't own House so don't sue**

"You are sleeping in my bed tonight." Judging by the tone of House's voice Allison knew it would be pointless to argue so she just nods her head slightly. After her confession to him the rest of the day had passed by fairly uneventfully. By uneventfully I mean that they spent it watching TV, neither noticing that over the course of the day she had gradually moved closer to House until her head was resting on his shoulder. He was a little surprised but let her lie there for a while, and it wasn't until he heard her snore very gently that he realised it was probably time for them to go to bed.

Awkward doesn't even begin to cover what both of them were initially feeling when they went to bed. As much as Allison had wanted to share Gregory House's bed she would have much preferred it if she wasn't recalling a traumatic childhood experience, with her legs covered in bandages. They lay with their backs to each other and when House heard a small but pitiful sob in the middle of the night it was all he could do not to roll over and embrace her petite body in his arms.

When House's breathing eventually evened out and Allison felt sure he was asleep she crept out of bed and tiptoed to the bathroom, grabbing her bag on the way. Once in the bathroom she made certain to lock the door as she sat on the toilet seat, fumbling in her purse for her small emergency blade. As she looked at it she thought carefully about where she could cut without House noticing. Then it hit her. The soles of her feet. She made a couple of small cuts on the bottom of her right foot, the pain making her feel like her foot was on fire and she smiled softly. The agonizing ache she felt after she sliced through her own skin made her forget about her abusive cousin and the fact that she was sharing a bed with a man who did not return her affections. She stopped the bleeding and in order to alleviate any questions she pulled on a pair of thick, fuzzy socks. One thing she hadn't counted on was how hard it was to walk on a freshly cut foot, so she found herself putting all her weight onto the ball of her foot, making her walk with a lopsided, uneven gait. She would have to come up with an explanation for that. She popped a blister. Yes, that was believable. As she crawled back under the covers, the harsh throb of pain in her foot lulled her off to sleep, but if she had taken the time to look, she would have noticed House's crystal blue eyes watching her, and as he did he felt himself overcome with a sadness and concern for her he had never felt before. Neither of them got much sleep that night.

**A/N – what do you think? Comments, suggestions etc are always welcome **


	6. Chapter 6

House was woken the next morning by the familiar throb in his thigh. He sighed and reached for his Vicodin when he realised there was a distinct smell of coffee filtering through into his room. He quickly swallowed his pills and got up, following the smell. He found Cameron in his kitchen making pancakes, a cup of freshly brewed coffee on the side. He leant on his cane and watched her for a few moments as she piled the pancakes onto a plate and drizzled them with maple syrup. She picked up both the plate and the mug and she jumped when she saw House standing there. She put the plate and mug on the table and turned back to him. "I was just about to bring you breakfast," she explained.

He raised an eyebrow as he hobbled closer to her, reaching round her to pick up the mug of coffee. As he sipped his drink he looked at her with a critical eye "you have showered," he simply said, noting her damp hair and change of clothes. She didn't reply, but merely nodded.

"Your dressings..." House began but Cameron cut him off by saying "I changed them myself. I went to medical school as well, you know. Got a certificate and everything." He smirked as he watched her move to the sink, his smirk turning into a frown as he noticed her slightly lopsided gait. "What's wrong with your foot?"

Cameron stiffened slightly before replying "I had a blister. It popped. Things like that happen when you wear heels all day at work."She started loading the dirty dishes into the sink before covering them in washing up liquid.

House stepped closer to her "let me see."

"It's a popped blister House! Diagnostically boring! It'll be fine tomorrow," she says exasperated, but her heart was pounding hard in her chest. Not for the first time she regrets cutting herself. She hates the fact that her boss has seen her so weak, particularly as it just emphasised the fact that she only likes damaged people because she herself was damaged.

House stepped forward again, he was standing so close to her he could smell her shower wash. He allowed himself to inhale her sweet scent before he replies in a dangerously low voice "you're lying Allison."  
She let out a small gasp at the sound of her name. She felt a warmth pool at the bottom of her stomach and her pulse increased. She inwardly cursed herself for allowing him to have such an effect on her, merely by saying her name. She turned to look at him, her hazel eyes meeting his blue ones before she replied coldly "everybody lies..._Greg."_ She moved away from him and into the bedroom, gathering up her things and putting them in her bag.

He sighed and limped after her, watching her with interest from the doorway "what are you doing?"

"Going home. I have things I need to sort out," she replied, not looking at him.

He hobbled closer to her "no, you're not," his voice dangerously low.

She turned around and looked at him, and he was surprised to find that he could not read the emotion in her eyes as she says angrily "yes, I am. You can't hold me prisoner here House!"

"No, you're right, I can't. But what I can do is ring the psych ward and tell them they have a new patient," his eyes were cold as he talks. She knows he would as well. She also knew what it would mean for her if she did – they would temporarily suspend her medical licence until she was deemed fit to re – enter the workplace.

She is fuming. She doesn't think she has ever been so angry in her entire life. "You bastard," is all she says before walking past him, resisting the urge to kick his cane away. He watches her leave and once he is alone in the room he hangs his head slightly. He knew he may have crossed a line but it was the only thing he could think of to get her to stay. He wasn't going to admit it, but despite the messed up reason for her being at his, he liked her company. For House, things didn't seem as bad when she was around.

**What do you think? Should House and Cameron get together? Or should I make it so that Cameron makes the biggest mistake of her life? Reviews please!**


	7. Chapter 7

Allison was angry. Angry at House for threatening to have her committed. Angry at herself for having feelings for him. But she was even more angry at the fact that he had seen her when she was at her lowest. Her self harming was not a spectator sport. Yet he had witnessed the aftermath of her self destruction, he had knelt in her blood. She couldn't bear it. _Now he thinks I'm even more pathetic _she thought as she silently slipped out of the living room and into the bathroom, grabbing her purse as she went.  
She quietly shut the door and opened her purse, looking for the blade she knew was in there. When she couldn't find it she began to panic. _He wouldn't have...would he? _As she tipped the contents of her purse on the floor she realised that House had gone through it and removed the blade. She physically bit into her fist to stop herself from screaming in frustration. Looking around the bathroom she started frantically looking for House's razors. When she couldn't find any she whimpered sadly and sunk to the floor, her stitches pulling as she did. She smiled softly. The pull of her stitches was uncomfortable but it wasn't the pain she was looking for. She needed to cut. She needed a release.

House sat on the couch in the living room, knowing exactly what she was going to do and he almost felt bad for going through her purse but he knew he had to. He couldn't let her keep destroying her beautiful body like that. He knew there were plenty of other ways, healthier ways, for her to deal with her problems. Now he just had to work out how he was going to help her try them.  
He frowned, deep in thought as he rubbed his thigh. The pain was slightly worse than usual today and the Vicodin was doing little to ease it. As he thought about the various ways to help Cameron her gentle voice asked him "is your leg bad?"  
He looked up at the sound of her voice, he hadn't even heard her come back. He wanted to say to her 'it's killing me today' but instead he replied "it's fine. Come and sit down." For reasons he did not understand, House felt it would be unfair to tell her about his crippling physical pain when she was so clearly in crippling emotional pain. He looked up at her again to find she had a slight smirk on her face. She walked away from him and he could hear the sound of water filling the bathtub. He frowned slightly and remained seated where he was. Ten minutes later she came back and wordlessly held out a hand to him. He sighed and used his cane to help him to his feet, ignoring her helping hand. He limped slowly to the bathroom, aware of her presence behind him. He got to the bathroom to find the bath tub filled and full of bubbles. He turned to look at her but before he could say anything she tells him "don't try and deny it. I know having a warm bath can help ease muscle aches. Indulge me?"  
He sighed and gave a slight nod, propping his cane against the wall as he began to undress. He sat on the edge of the bath as he removed his socks, pausing when he went to remove his pants. He looked up at her, a slight look of panic in his eyes. He didn't want her seeing his scar. She moved closer to him and murmured softly "you saw mine..." He undid his pants and let them drop to his ankles and he kicked them away before slowly lowering his boxers. Sensing his discomfort Cameron suddenly found her fingernails very interesting, for which he was grateful. He winced slightly as he physically lifted his bad leg into the tub, his strong arms supporting him on the edge of the bath as he lifted his other leg in, before lowering himself into the water. He leant his head back as the warm water eased the tension out of what was left of his thigh muscle. Cameron sat on the toilet seat, neither of them speaking for several minutes. She eventually broke the silence by saying quietly "I've realised something."  
Without looking at her House replies "oh yea?" his tone appearing nonchalant but his insides were twisting slightly, in anticipation of what she was going to say.  
"As sick and sadistic as this may sound and as much as you may hate it I...I like helping you...when you are in pain...it makes me realise that the way I feel sometimes is nothing to what you feel all the time...when I'm helping you it makes me feel less...it makes me feel like I have a reason to be here..." she trailed off, and stood up. She doesn't look at him as she tells him "Enjoy your bath. I'll be back in about 15 minutes," and with that she quietly left the bathroom, leaving House to his thoughts.

House thought about what she said when an idea struck him. He would try other techniques to get her to stop self harming, but along with those he would try one of his own. He frowned slightly as it would mean he would have to swallow his pride and stubborn nature for a while, but he knew it would be worth it if it meant helping her. He frowned harder as he realised that this was something he would never normally do and the only reason he was doing it was because...House froze as he realised why he was doing this so readily. It was because he was starting to fall for her.

**A/N: anyone want to venture a guess at what House's plan is? R & R please!**


	8. Chapter 8

Cameron stayed with House for ten days. Over the course of those ten days nothing more was said about Cameron's self – harming, much to her relief. She and House got into a routine, with House having informed Cuddy after the third day that he and Cameron were taking their vacation time now, no doubt fuelling the rumour mill that they were together. House watched Cameron carefully for further signs of self – injury and was happy to find there were none. However, upon further reflection, it was probably due to the fact that that she was looking after him. Constantly. Making sure he was as comfortable as possible and that his leg was not causing him problems. He would never admit it in a million years but he rather enjoyed it.

When both Cameron and House decided she should return to her own apartment it was upsetting for both of them, though neither of them could bring themselves to admit it. Before she left House gently pulled her to the sofa and asked her to roll her trouser leg up.

"Why?"

"Just trust me. Please."

She nodded and rolled her trouser leg up as House pulled out a Sharpie marker pen. She eyed the pen with curiosity as he asked her "have you ever heard of something called 'the butterfly project'?"

"No."

He nods slightly before continuing "it's something that self – harmers do when they feel they are ready to stop and need the motivation to do so. They draw a butterfly to represent someone who means a lot to them and let it fade naturally, not going out of their way to scrub it off. If you have not self – harmed whilst the butterfly was still visible it means the butterfly flew away, so to speak. If you self – harmed when you could still see the butterfly, you, metaphorically speaking, killed it."

Cameron smiled softly. She liked this idea. She took the pen from House's hand and was about to begin drawing a butterfly just above her knee when House said "don't do it unless you feel you are ready to stop, otherwise it would be pointless."

Cameron looked at him with her big eyes and replied softly "I want to stop. I need to stop. This...it has been going on for too long." She bends down and begins drawing a butterfly on her leg. She eventually leans back and shows House her butterfly, beaming with pride. House looks closely at it, before looking at her incredulously.

"Does that butterfly have a _cane?"_

She giggles and nods and he smirks slightly as he pulls down her trouser leg. She gives the pen back to him and goes to leave. When she reaches the door she simply says "thank you...Greg," before walking out.

When he hears the door close House murmurs "you're welcome...Allison."


	9. Chapter 9

The first thing Cameron did when she returned to her apartment was to find her box of self – destruction and throw it in the bin. Instead of feeling panicked that she no longer had it she felt a sense of relief and calm. The next thing she did was to clean her entire bathroom, wanting to scrub away every memory of the night that House found her. Only when every inch of the bathroom was gleaming and sparkling clean did she feel she could truly move on.

She soon settled back into her old routine but it didn't feel the same. She missed House. She missed curling up on the sofa with him and watching crappy shows on the television. She missed the comfortable silences the two of them shared. She missed looking after him and making sure he was not in too much pain. Most of all she missed sleeping in his bed with him. Her first night back in her apartment, Cameron slept very little. She missed having someone to share a bed with. She berated herself because she knew the chances of sharing a bed with House again were slim to none. Little did she know that back at House's apartment he was having the same problem.

Cameron and House returned to work the next day, and it was a silent understanding between the two of them that neither would speak of what happened. They both quickly settled back into their old routine of Cameron making the coffee, sorting House's mail and going through his emails before heading down to the clinic or working on a case. Although House remained his sarcastic and misanthropic self, he was a bit kinder to Cameron than he had been in the past. The other two ducklings quickly noticed this and mentioned it to Cameron when they were running tests on their latest patient; "have you noticed that House's attitude to you has changed?" Chase asked her as they stood in the lab.

"No. Why, should I have done?"

"Yea, he doesn't seem to bully you nearly as much as what he used to," Foreman stated.

Allison suddenly found the slide under the microscope very interesting as she replied "I honestly hadn't noticed."

"Maybe he has a crush on you," Chase laughed.

"Don't get her hopes up!" Foreman chuckled back, knowing Cameron's feelings for their boss.

Cameron said nothing. Her heart had leapt at the idea that House harboured some feelings for her but it quickly sank as she remembered that House thought of her as nothing but someone who works for him. Someone who is naive and damaged and who cuts herself because she can't deal with emotional pain. Shaking those thoughts from her head she realised that Foreman and Chase were still teasing her about her crush on House.

"I can just imagine it now," laughed Chase "House's declaration of love for Cameron: 'I'm too tight – fisted to keep paying for hookers, come and sleep with me as I sign your payslip anyway.'"

Foreman practically doubled over with laughter as he replied "yea, and Cameron would be like, 'oh House, I'm at your beck and call. Please take me and ravish me!'"

Cameron said nothing as she just kept looking at the slide. She would not let herself cry over some mindless teasing. She refused to, but the anger she felt at herself for being so easy to tease refused to go away. She could cope as long as they were teasing her. She let herself drift back to what they were saying, not really hearing them, until she realised they had stopped teasing her and were mocking House.

"He'll be like 'Cameron, I really don't give a rats ass about you. In fact, I don't give a rats ass about anyone, except myself. It's not in my nature to care for anyone else, which is why I'm going to let you sleep with me. Feel privileged by that fact but know I will push you out the door as soon as we are done so I can get drunk and forget it ever happened.'" Chase mimicked as Foreman held onto the table, tears of laughter rolling down his cheeks.

"Do you think he even _can _have sex? You know, what with him being a cripple and all. I'll be surprised if he can even get it up with all the Vicodin he takes..."

That was the last straw as far as Cameron was concerned. She turned on her heel and glared at the two men before saying in a dangerously quiet voice "shut up you two. You don't know anything about him."

They both stopped laughing and looked at her before Chase scoffed "and you do? I've never seen you talk to him, you don't know him any better than we do."

"That's where you're wrong!" she replied, her voice rising "I know him better than you, in fact, I probably know him better than he knows himself! I know he can be kind, be gentle and understanding. I know he can listen when he needs to. I know he can be selfless, which may be hard to believe but it's true and what's more I know that deep down, he can love."

This time, it was Foreman who scoffed "Cameron, we all know none of that is true. You just have this idealised version of him in your head because you are in love with him. That House doesn't exist and the sooner you realise that the better."

That was the last straw for her. She started to yell "it is NOT an idealised version of him! I have seen it! I have experienced it! He was there for me when no – one else was! And as for him having sex, I highly doubt him having a bad leg would stop him. In fact, I'm sure he is amazing in bed! And I'm sure he can still get it up, regardless of the amount of pills he takes! In fact, I would be willing to bet that not only is he bigger than both of you, he is also a better lay! Actually, I know he is bigger than you because you would never have the balls to say what you just did to his face!"

And with that, she turned and stormed out of the lab, leaving two very stunned men watch her go. Chase and Foreman silently went back to work, both of them thinking about what she just said. What none of the ducklings realised was that House had heard the whole thing. He was extremely pissed at Chase and his accusations that he couldn't have sex, nor get it up. However, his anger at Chase was overshadowed by the pride he felt towards Cameron for sticking up for him. He wondered where she had gone when he remembered the look in her eyes as she came out of the lab. It was a look of despair and hopelessness. He swallowed the sick feeling he had in his throat as he recalled the last time he had seen that look. It was when he had found out she was a self – harmer. He quickly realised where she was and as he limped out the building to his bike he hoped he could stop her in time.

**A/N: Cliff-hanger!I'm so evil I know! Like it? Hate it? Let me know!**


	10. Chapter 10

Cameron arrived home and went straight to the kitchen, looking for something sharp. Her eyes eventually fell on the knife holder that sat in the corner. She reached over and pulled out a carving knife, smiling softly at the sight of the shiny blade. She took the blade and went to the bathroom, every movement almost robotic. She pushed her trousers down and looked down at her scarred thighs. She frowned as she looked at the mess her legs were in. She closed her eyes as she slowly removed her blouse. _How have I gotten to this point? I was doing so well...just one cut...just a little one...I can't believe Chase and Foreman...how dare they?! _She thought as she slipped the blouse off her shoulders. She sat in her bra and panties as she picked up the blade and looked at it before placing the cold steel against her skin...

House drove to Cameron's as quickly as he could. He was sure that this time she wouldn't cut her legs and he wouldn't be able to live with himself if she...no, he couldn't think like that. He just had to get to her. He pulled up in front of her apartment and limped as quickly as his leg would let him through the door. He scowled when he saw the stairs and he quickly swallowed two Vicodin before starting his slow ascent of the staircase. He got to the top, breathing heavily, not even the two Vicodin dulling the pain in his thigh caused by the stairs. He went to take a step but his leg collapsed under him and he found himself falling backwards. He braced himself for the inevitable impact as he tumbled down the stairs, his leg being jarred as he continued his descent back down the stairs.

Cameron was broken out of her reverie of looking at the silver blade against her skin by someone banging at her door. She ignored it and hoped they would go away but the banging continued, got more insistent. She scowled and huffed in annoyance as she quickly hid the blade in her medicine cabinet before pulling on jogging bottoms and a t-shirt. She opened the door to find her elderly neighbour Matilda at the door, looking very concerned. "Oh, Allison! Thank God you are home! A man has fallen down the stairs! I think he is a cripple, we found a cane on the stairs..."

Cameron didn't let her finish as she flew out the door and down the stairs to find House lying in a heap at the bottom, blood trickling from a cut on his head. "Has someone called an ambulance?" she asked one of the many onlookers. When one of them replied in the affirmative she breathed a small sigh of relief before turning back to House. "House? House? Can you hear me?"

He opened his eyes and looked at her blearily "Cameron? I'm sorry...came...my leg..."

He reached down and gripped his thigh as he screwed his face up in pain. Cameron found his other hand and entwined her fingers with his, not flinching when he squeezed her hand tightly. The ambulance arrived and Cameron reluctantly let go of House's hand to tell the EMT's what happened. "Male, 47, fell down the stairs, cut to the head but no apparent concussion, some possible bruising to the right thigh." She recited, almost on autopilot. She watched as the EMT's gently moved House, checking he had no broken bones. When they go to move him onto a gurney she tells them "be careful with his leg. His right leg." The EMT's both nodded and gently lifted House onto the gurney, being very careful with his leg. Cameron followed them out and into the ambulance, not caring she had no shoes on, nor that she hadn't locked her door. Her main priority right now was House. All thoughts of cutting herself went right out of her head as she looked at the blood trickling from House's.

**A/N: should House and Cameron end up in a relationship? Or should I end it with them remaining just friends? Let me know! Review!**


	11. Chapter 11

They quickly arrived at PPTH and Cameron watched helplessly as they pushed him through the doors to the ER. She kept a close eye on him as they transferred him from the gurney to a bed and she winced when she saw one of the nurses be less than gentle with his bad leg. She became aware of a presence next to her and she glanced to her right to see who it was. It was Wilson, who was looking slightly pale. "Cameron is that...is that House?" he asked worriedly.

She nodded sadly "it is."

"What happened?"

"He fell down a flight of stairs. I think his leg gave out on him."

"Is he going to be ok?"

"I think so, minor injuries from the looks of it. I think he hit his leg a few times on the way down though."

Wilson visibly grimaced "he's going to be in even more pain then."

Cameron nodded sadly, choosing not to tell him that it was her fault House was here in the first place. If she hadn't needed to feel that release, to see the blood, if she hadn't let Chase and Foreman's words get to her, he wouldn't be here. As she stood there, thinking of all the reasons she was to blame, she barely even noticed the ER doctor coming out and telling them they could see him now.

Cameron turned to Wilson and nodded for him to go ahead "go and see him James. He'll probably want to see a friendly face, even if he won't admit it."

Wilson smiled gratefully and went to see his friend as Cameron turned to the doctor and asked him "how bad?"

"He was lucky. No broken bones, just a small cut to the temple, no stitches needed, no concussion, a sprained wrist. The only thing I'm slightly concerned about is his leg."

Cameron felt faint as she looks at him "why? What's wrong?"

The doctor looks at her expression and laughs lightly "nothing that bad! He is just going to have some very bad bruising and a lot of pain for the next day or so."

Cameron gritted her teeth as she replied "he is in pain all the time anyway."

"I'm aware of that Dr Cameron. The reason I'm concerned is because he is enough of an ass as it is using his cane. He will need to be in a wheelchair for the next couple of days to give his leg time to recover from the bruising. He should spend as little time on his feet as possible."

Cameron nodded, trying hard to resist the urge to punch the doctor. She wanted to see House so she pushed through the doors and headed towards his bed. As she arrived Wilson got up to leave, making the excuse that he had a patient. He quickly left, leaving Cameron alone at House's bedside. His eyes were closed and she wasn't sure whether he was asleep or sedated so she gently entwined her fingers with his non bandaged hand. Then, and only then, did she allow herself to cry.

"Oh House, this is all my fault! If I hadn't been so selfish and stupid and pathetic you wouldn't be here! If I hadn't been so weak you would be ok!"

She hung her head as tears continued to roll down her cheeks. She jumped slightly as she felt a hand brush across her skin and she looked up to see House smiling weakly at her. "I don't blame you. It was my fault. I was rushing up the stairs to make sure you didn't do anything...I heard the conversation you, Chase and Foreman had in the lab..." he looked away from her as he continued "I thought that you would...that it wouldn't be your thighs this time...and the thought of losing you...I wouldn't be able to function if I lost you."

Cameron stared at him as his words sunk in. She lifted a hand to turn House's face towards her and she gazed at him intensely as she whispered "what are you trying to say House?"

He mumbles something unintelligible and Cameron slowly moves up the bed slightly and gently says to him "didn't quite catch that."

He rolls his eyes and says so she can hear "I said I lied. When you asked me if I liked you and I said no, I lied. I do like you. A lot. But it's hard for me after Stacey..." he trailed off, his hand automatically going to his thigh, the constant reminder of her betrayal.

She gently places her hand on top of his and whispers "I'm not Stacey," before leaning forward and brushing her lips against his, the kiss so tender and delicate and hesitant it brought tears to his eyes. He took his hand away from his thigh and wrapped it around her waist, pulling her closer.

When Wilson returned later with a wheelchair for House he was surprised to find Cameron curled up on the bed next to him, his arm around her small body. Cameron's eyes were closed and she appeared to be sleeping whereas House's eyes were open as he gazed down at the woman lying next to him. Wilson grinned, ecstatically happy for his friend, and he backed away slowly, not wanting to interrupt such a tender moment.

**A/N: and there we go! I hope it wasn't too OOC and gushy, but most of this fic has been filled with angst and drama and so I just wanted a little bit of fluff at the end! A sequel could be a possibility, depending on what you lot want, so review and let me know!**


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